so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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