Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
