How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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