she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize