my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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