My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
