Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
