12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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