I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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