Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
