bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
