On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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