Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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