I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
