Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
