Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
