A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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