we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
