remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize