seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
