i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
