Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
