last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
