and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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