ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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