Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
