If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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