He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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