That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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