just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He had one of those small greek statue penises
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
