I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
