Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my phone needs a breathalizer
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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