Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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