6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
