I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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