He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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