I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
