She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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