4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You work out of a Hotel?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
