my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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