return my video game
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
