you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
