it was like his penis was on wheels.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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