okay pat passed out under dana's car
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My dick has a subreddit
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
