my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
