I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
