A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
