omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
