So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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