There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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