I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I want a musical about memes.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
