i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
