apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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