I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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