So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize