Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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