She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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