6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
