I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
