I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
