im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
