i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize
