My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
