I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
