ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
