I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
