i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
