p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize